What I wish I had known before starting to foster:
This could be looked at as a cautionary tale…but it is in no way meant to scare you into not fostering if you are feeling the call of loving children born to other parents.
I like to think of fostering as a calling because not everyone is meant to do it, just as not everyone is meant to be a parent. I think God equips us, but that does NOT make it easy.
I would not have changed any part of my experience because during our six-year journey through foster care we adopted six beautiful children, all of whom we love with our whole hearts. Yes, we were heartbroken when our other kiddos went back home to bio parents or relatives, but that didn’t make the experience any less worth it.
You will experience many tantrums, lots of hurt feelings, and grieving children who do not understand why they are even at your house. You can try to make the house cozy and give them the world, but they will always miss their family. You cannot replace what they once had, but you can love them through the loss.
In Timothy Keller’s book, Jesus The King: Understanding the life and death of the Son of God, mentioned a theologian named William Vanstone who wrote a book and in that book Keller paraphrased saying, “All human beings—even people who from childhood were deprived of love—know the difference between false and true love, fake and authentic love.”
Okay, I’m listening!
He goes on to mention that fake love is using the other person for your happiness, “But in true love, your aim is to spend yourself and use yourself for the happiness of the other, because your greatest joy is that person’s joy. Therefore your affection is unconditional: You give it regardless of whether your loved one is meeting your needs.”
Wow! How many times have I loved people to meet my own needs? How many times have I given all of myself to another without trying to get happiness in return?
This is important because there are going to be nights when you finally lay down in bed, totally exhausted physically, emotionally, or both from a day or multiple days of trying to love a little human who does not reciprocate….trying to love someone who pushes you away, doesn’t want you or doesn’t want to want to need you.
Loving someone who claims to hate you is hard. Loving someone who screams, “I want to go home. I hate it here!” repeatedly is hard. Guess what? You can do hard things! You will give up yourself time and time again, but love is worth it.
I learned this early on: The children placed in your home will always love their biological parents REGARDLESS of whatever circumstances led to them being placed in your home.
You have to try to work with the bio parents for the good of the children, if possible.